Something Like Caring
by elarielf
Summary: From cgkinkmemeii. In the aftermath of a rape, Suzaku does what he can to help Lelouch out. OFFSCREEN: sexual assault, M/M, multiple partners, abuse. ONSCREEN: consensual sex, M/M, explicit. POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING.


_Geass_ didn't work if you were blindfolded. Lelouch had considered that before, and decided that it wasn't a sufficient limitation. After all, he just needed a moment of eye contact, just a split second…

The (_Elevens_) people who'd attacked him hadn't even given him that.

He'd like to say the words, the jeers had been the worst part; mocking a Britannian boy for coming into the ghetto so late at night, cooing at his pale skin, his soft legs, his tight ass…

They weren't. The rape and beatings had been far worse.

Zero needed allies and Lelouch had thought to go recruiting. All he would have needed was one. Split. Second…

What was he going to tell Nunnally tomorrow? Surely she'd hear his bruised cheek; the stiffness in his gait; his throat, raw from screaming, pleading…

At least it was 3am. No one would be up for hours.

Lelouch made sure to lock the door behind himself, more paranoid than usual tonight. They'd taken his wallet, but left his keys; tossing them back at him and urging him to crawl home before mommy and daddy missed him. Small mercies indeed.

Everything hurt.

"…Lelouch?" A sleepy voice called from the couch.

God. No. He couldn't be here, not tonight, not after…

"Lelouch!" Suzaku's voice, now fully awake, was still hushed, but there was an urgent fear in it. "What happened? Are you… of course you aren't. Did you go to a hospital? Is anything broken?"

At least he was practical.

"It looks worse than it is," Lelouch lied, trying to smile for his friend. "I got in a fight with a lilac bush. I think the lilac won."

Suzaku's eyes darted over Lelouch's body in the dim light, bright and observant, and his next words didn't surprise Lelouch at all. "If you don't want to tell me, that's okay, Lelouch. Just… let me help."

It might have been weak, but right now, Lelouch needed this.

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

At first the bath seemed like a good idea. Then Lelouch's ass, raw and torn from the (six? seven?) cocks that had been shoved into it, protested rather vehemently.

Suzaku caught him as Lelouch jumped out of the water, nearly slipping and cracking his head open. "Is it too hot?"

"…hurts," Lelouch admitted.

"Where?" Suzaku asked and Lelouch was just so tired of lying, so tired of everything, and so far removed from any kind of shame that he answered.

"My ass, Suzaku." He curled up against Suzaku's chest, burying his face in his shirt. "After they…" He couldn't continue; not out of any shame, but because he felt like if he did, he'd start crying.

"Oh, Lelouch…" Suzaku did it for him, holding and rocking him, with his damp cheek pressed against Lelouch's hair. "I don't know… what can I do?"

Lelouch shivered. "I… I want it clean. Please. But the water's too hot and I can't… I'm so tired, Suzaku."

Suzaku kissed his hair, an almost maternal gesture and manoeuvred Lelouch onto his elbows and knees. For a moment, Lelouch panicked; this was the position they'd started in, head down, ass up, hold 'em there while I…

Suzaku's gentle hand pulled Lelouch out of his anxiety attack. "Tell me if this hurts," he said softly, trickling warm water over Lelouch's lower back and between his legs. It stung, a little, but was much more tolerable than when he'd tried to submerge it.

"It's fine," Lelouch assured him, sensing Suzaku's smile as more water followed. From his angle, Lelouch could see the pinkish-tinged water dropping between his legs. That was blood; his blood. Oh…

Suzaku grabbed him before he could faint, face-first into the bath. "Careful." He was holding all of Lelouch's weight now, at an awkward angle. He sighed.

"C'mon." He pulled Lelouch out of the bath and propped him against the wall. "Just a second, and we'll continue," he promised, stripping out of his clothes.

He settled into the bath, guiding Lelouch to sit on his lap, just above the water. "There." He wrapped one arm around Lelouch's chest, sliding the other between Lelouch's legs to get to his ass. "Just relax."

And Lelouch did.

It wasn't comfortable and it wasn't pleasant, but at least Suzaku was gentle and careful. He kept up a steady stream of words, reassuring Lelouch that he was going to be okay, asking if this or that hurt, mostly just reminding Lelouch where he was and who he was with.

_Suzaku_. Lelouch curled into his warmth, his nose resting against the angle of Suzaku's jaw, his mouth hovering just a breath away from his neck. So, when Suzaku froze and stopped talking, Lelouch could see and hear him swallow nervously.

"I… I think you're done now," Suzaku stammered and started pulling back his hand. Lelouch grabbed his wrist, holding him in place.

"No, it's inside," he said. He could still feel it, sitting there, poisoning him. "Please, you have to get it out, Suzaku."

Suzaku hesitated and Lelouch could feel his strength, the way he could have pulled out of Lelouch's grip with no effort at all. If it had been Suzaku… Suzaku would never have been taken like that. It was unfair to ask him to fix Lelouch's mistakes.

"Never mind. Sorry." Lelouch let him go, shifting to prepare to stand up, wincing only slightly at the pain.

Suzaku's arm pressed him back down. "If I… it'll hurt you, Lelouch."

Lelouch laughed. It didn't sound happy. "If you seriously think you can hurt me after what they did…" He shook his head. "Let me up. I shouldn't have asked, it wasn't fair of me."

"Fair?" Now it was Suzaku's turn to laugh unhappily. "What about this is fair, Lelouch?"

Well. He had a point.

Lelouch settled back wordlessly against Suzaku's chest and Suzaku took a deep breath and moved his hand back between Lelouch's legs, pressing gently against and then into Lelouch's body.

It hurt, it did; but it was a cleansing pain, like cautery or lancing a boil. Lelouch bit back his moans, not wanting to complain when Suzaku was doing him such an important favour, as Suzaku fit two fingers inside him and stretched, allowing the warm bath water to enter and clean him. It felt good. Lelouch could feel the water clearing out the poison, and Suzaku's fingers soothed away the burning, even as they caused more. His eyes felt heavy and his breathing was fast and shallow with… gratitude? Was that this warm, all-encompassing feeling? Suzaku's fingers pressed against something and Lelouch tensed and moaned. "Suzaku…"

"Lelouch…" Suzaku's voice was shaky. "Tonight was that… your first time?"

"First time what?" Lelouch asked, shifting against Suzaku, wanting something that he didn't even know.

Suzaku kissed his shoulder and whispered against Lelouch's neck. "Have you ever had sex, Lelouch? Proper sex?"

Lelouch shook his head. Why was Suzaku asking… oh. He was hard, his cock stiff and ready, like it hadn't been when those men had… And Suzaku, if what Lelouch was feeling against his right thigh, was in a rather similar predicament. Was he suggesting… was he offering…

"Have you?"

Rather than answering, Suzaku kissed him.

It was a little awkward, tilting Lelouch's head to the side and back and forcing Suzaku to practically wrap himself around him. But it felt… the taste of Suzaku, the feel of his lips, the warmth and the pressure and the comfort… Lelouch moaned and tilted his head a little more, opening his mouth and allowing Suzaku to enter, to kiss him properly as Suzaku's hand wrapped around Lelouch's cock, drawing a low cry from Lelouch's throat.

"S-sorry," Suzaku murmured against Lelouch's lips. "I… after what happened to you… I wasn't thinking."

Lelouch laughed, a soft puff of air. "That was nothing like what happened, Suzaku." He pressed his lips against Suzaku's jaw, letting his teeth scrape his skin. "I don't want to stop."

Suzaku growled lowly and kissed him again, both arms coming around to hold him tightly. Lelouch squirmed until he was kneeling between Suzaku's legs, facing him and finally able to properly kiss back, open mouthed and tongues battling. "You don't want to stop either, do you Suzaku?"

The look on Suzaku's face almost stopped Lelouch's heart. He looked nothing like Lelouch's attackers (Suzaku might be Japanese, but he was _Suzaku_) but in that moment, the lust in Suzaku's green eyes was a perfect match for the lust in the darker, almond shaped eyes that still existed in Lelouch's memory, unforgotten and unforgettable, no matter how hard he'd try.

But then, perhaps sensing Lelouch's fear, Suzaku's eyes softened; and his desire became tempered with something else, something gentler.

"I don't want to stop," Suzaku admitted. "But I will if you say so. Promise."

Lelouch closed his eyes, nearly swooning with unanticipated relief. How did Suzaku, normally as subtle as an earthquake, know just what to say?

Before Lelouch could say anything, Suzaku stood, holding out his hand. The gesture was so appropriate, so supportive, just so _them_… Lelouch reached out and grasped it, letting Suzaku help him up.

The water was visibly dirty when it drained. Lelouch shivered, wondering how much of his blood and how much of other men's… other fluids was going down that drain. Suzaku, misinterpreting that shiver, wrapped him in a towel. It still helped.

"What do you want now?" Suzaku asked, holding Lelouch lightly.

Lelouch smiled. "Take me to my room, Suzaku."

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

The moment the door closed behind them, the towel was on the floor and Lelouch's arms were around Suzaku's neck and his lips were pressed against Suzaku's.

Suzaku dropped their clothes and gave a soft grunt before wrapping his own arms around Lelouch's waist and kissing back. "Lelouch… what do you…"

"Bed," Lelouch whispered against Suzaku's lips.

Unwilling to part, they stumbled over to the bed, Suzaku's arms holding Lelouch protectively as he fell back, controlling Lelouch's descent. Lelouch moaned as his cock rubbed against Suzaku's as Suzaku lowered Lelouch's body onto his, his hands firm and stabilizing.

Lelouch was pleased that his impression in the bath had been accurate; they were both hard, aroused and now leaking, and the bath-softened skin felt so good against his erection. He rolled his hips and smiled when Suzaku moaned with him, clutching harder at him. "Lelouch…"

_This_ would be his first time, Lelouch decided. What had come before would be erased by this moment. He bent his head and kissed Suzaku, hard and deep; loving the wide eyed, unfocused look Suzaku was wearing when he was done. "I don't want to stop, Suzaku."

Suzaku blinked, finally able to focus on Lelouch's face. He smiled, and it was heartbreakingly sweet. "Then don't."

Lelouch nodded, then hesitated, unsure what was supposed to come next. More kissing? More rutting? Touching? He hesitated a moment too long and Suzaku gently rolled them over, holding Lelouch down against the soft mattress.

"Let me?" Suzaku asked, sounding at once confident and wary. His eyes searched Lelouch's face, looking for any sign of fear or alarm.

There were none. Strangely enough, being pinned down by a stronger male didn't trigger anything. Perhaps it was because his rapists hadn't bothered turning him over once they'd gotten him on his knees, only pulling on his hair to raise his head and force their way down his throat as well. Perhaps it was the soft warmth of the bed, so different from the hard cold concrete under Lelouch as they'd driven into him. Perhaps… probably, it was because this… this was Suzaku.

"Go ahead," Lelouch whispered.

And Suzaku smiled that sweet, almost grateful smile, and bent down to kiss Lelouch, just as gently and sweetly as he'd smiled. "I will never hurt you. You know that, right?"

Lelouch stomped down memories of cold words and the view of Suzaku's back as he turned away from him, back to Britannia and the people who'd abused him. That hadn't been Lelouch; that had been Zero Suzaku was rejecting. Suzaku had never hurt or turned his back on Lelouch.

"I know," Lelouch whispered. "I trust you."

That wiped the smile off Suzaku's face, replacing it with a stunned look of amazement. "Lelouch…"

Lelouch reached up and kissed him. "I trust you more than anyone else, Suzaku," he promised.

Suzaku swallowed hard and nodded. Then he started moving.

The feel of Suzaku's restraint as he wrapped his hand around their erections and thrust slowly, smoothly, was almost as arousing as the feel of Suzaku himself. Lelouch lay back and concentrated on breathing and keeping his eyes open, both things that were hard to do right at that moment. But he didn't want to lose sight of Suzaku, moving carefully on top of him with his brow lightly furrowed in concentration.

"Suzaku." Lelouch's voice was soft, but full of emotion. It made Suzaku's rhythm falter somewhat as he grit his teeth against the urge to thrust hard and fast and finish them both. "_Suzaku_…" Now it was more drawn out, more yearning as Lelouch arched into Suzaku's touch and his eyes fluttered shut.

"_K'so_…" Suzaku cursed in Japanese and Lelouch suddenly froze, the tone and accent of that single word sending him flying back to that alleyway, those rough hands, that cruel laughter…

"Lelouch?" Suzaku's voice sounded like he was calling from far away. Also, like he had been doing so for a while. Lelouch opened his eyes to Suzaku's worried face and wide, frightened eyes. "Lelouch? Are you… you just… went away for a moment."

"I…" Lelouch frowned. His heart was racing, his throat felt tight, and, despite the fact that Suzaku was still half-draped over him, he felt cold. "I'm sorry." He was shaking.

Suzaku stared helplessly for a moment before he made a soft, sad noise and practically collapsed on top of Lelouch, holding him close and burying his head in Lelouch's neck. "I don't know what to do, Lelouch. I want to make it better… I want to make _you_ better, but I…" Lelouch tentatively patted Suzaku's back comfortingly. Suzaku responded by tightening his grip. "Tell me what to do."

Lelouch didn't know. It was like his body, and even his mind, wasn't completely under his control. "I don't know," he confessed, wincing when that made Suzaku bury his face even deeper. "I'm sorry, I don't even know why I… I'm sorry Suzaku."

"Stop saying that." Suzaku's lips pressed against the soft skin under Lelouch's jaw with every word. "None of this is your fault."

_But it was_. If Lelouch hadn't gone off recruiting, if he hadn't entered a ghetto at night; visibly, obviously Britannian and well-off and so fucking _arrogant_… it wasn't as if he didn't know better, but the rush of becoming Zero, of leading the former Japanese against their oppressors… why would he think that that would make Lelouch Lamperouge safe? _Idiot_…

Lelouch was so caught up in self-recriminations that he didn't notice Suzaku was crying until he felt the wetness of his tears. This was his fault too.

…but this he could fix. If Suzaku wanted to make him better, Lelouch would let him. It was the least he could do for putting his friend through this.

"Suzaku…" Lelouch was as far from aroused as it was possible to get, even with Suzaku naked and lying on top of him. The thought of sex, recently exciting and hopeful, seemed like a chore. Still… "Suzaku." Lelouch gently pulled Suzaku's head away from his neck and smiled at him. "None of this is your fault either." And then he kissed him.

The kiss was tender and caring and, while it didn't lack passion exactly, was completely without lust. Lelouch had not yet learned how to lie with his body. Still, it seemed to calm Suzaku down as he stroked a finger down Lelouch's cheek and kissed back, gently.

"Do you like this?" Suzaku asked, pressing a deeper kiss into Lelouch's mouth when Lelouch nodded. "And this?" Lelouch moaned and tightened his hold around Suzaku, shifting under him as they kissed. His flaccid sex eased back into life, until Suzaku was able lift his hips and grind against it, making Lelouch moan more intensely.

"Don't stop," Lelouch pleaded, determined to see this through for Suzaku. "Even if I… if I go away, Suzaku just… trust that I'll always come back to you." He wasn't sure if he could honestly say that he could make it through actual sex without the trauma coming back, but for Suzaku, he wanted to try.

Suzaku looked at him, suddenly sad and looking older than his years. "You don't want me to stop?"

Lelouch shook his head. "Just do it, Suzaku. Know that I want you to."

Suzaku's sad expression hardened into a determined one. "Alright, Lelouch. I will."

The relief Lelouch felt at that declaration was fast replaced by confusion as Suzaku rolled off him, rummaging through Lelouch's drawers. Lelouch turned his head to watch, unable to move his lower body without aggravating the ache in his ass or in his cock. "Suzaku?"

"I know it's… aha!" Suzaku held Lelouch's hand cream aloft. "Found it."

Lelouch's lips twitched, his agile mind figuring out what that was for, even though he had no experience in that area. Of course, even now, Suzaku would be considerate. It was just so like him. "You could have just asked, you know."

Suzaku smiled. "Don't you want to know what it's for?" He asked eagerly. "I'm not gonna use it to soften my hands, you know…"

Lelouch turned his head back up to the ceiling, slowly, gingerly, spreading his legs wider. "Ah, to ask and make you explain; or to take the wind out of your sails… tough choice." The playful banter made him relax.

Suzaku's head moved into his line of sight as Suzaku loomed over him. "You know?" He looked almost disappointed.

"I'm reasonably intelligent," Lelouch pointed out. "Also, I doubt you'd get off me just to do something silly." He looked at Suzaku fondly. "It's very sweet. Thank you."

"Welcome," Suzaku said, blushing for some reason. He was really quite adorable, and the thought of being afraid of him was ridiculous right now. Lelouch reached up and pulled him down for a kiss.

When they parted, Suzaku's blush had migrated to Lelouch's cheeks as well. "Well, Suzaku? Aren't you going to continue?"

Suzaku nodded wordlessly and positioned himself on top of Lelouch. He ran his hand over Lelouch's erection, the cream adding a layer of cool sensation and, in all honestly, softening the feel of Suzaku's hand. Lelouch hissed and bit his lip, focusing on staving off his orgasm. It felt surprisingly good just having Suzaku touch him.

"Lelouch…" Suzaku bent down to kiss him and Lelouch wrapped his arms around him. Suzaku's kiss was a little strange, hard at times, slack at others, moaning into Lelouch's mouth without any clear reason… it was difficult for Lelouch to follow his lead. Eventually he gave up, just letting himself enjoy Suzaku's attentions passively.

It didn't last overly long. When Suzaku pulled back, he was flushed and his pupils were huge. "I think I'm ready."

Lelouch nodded, ignoring the small clenching in his stomach. This was with Suzaku; it would be nothing like what had been done to him earlier. This would be consensual and caring and…

…and Suzaku was straddling his hips, his lower lip held firmly between his teeth as he lowered himself onto Lelouch's cock.

Not what Lelouch had expected.

For a long moment there was only silence as Suzaku, eyes closed and trembling slightly with the effort it took to control his descent, settled onto Lelouch's lap. Then, as he fit the last inch of Lelouch's erection inside him, he gave a soft, shuddering sigh.

He opened his eyes, looking into Lelouch's wide ones. "How're you doing?"

Lelouch remembered how to breathe, expelling all his air in one go before nearly hyperventilating. "You… you're…" Suzaku was looking concerned. Lelouch grit his teeth and got himself under control. "Why?"

"Because," Suzaku said softly. "I would never hurt you."

And, at that, Lelouch closed his eyes and shuddered, one arm coming up to cover his face. "Suzaku, you're so…"

Suzaku chuckled, making them both moan as that made him clench around Lelouch. "Yeah, I know. Can I move?"

Part of Lelouch ached to correct his grammar. Most of Lelouch just ached for him.

"You may."

Suzaku grinned at that, the victorious boy who'd just won; but this time Lelouch could hardly begrudge his victory, not when it was Lelouch's as well.

And then Suzaku moved.

He'd never done this before. Not with another man, certainly never in this position, but Suzaku was nothing if not instinctual, and sex was really more about paying attention to your partner's reactions than it was about practised technique.

And Lelouch's reactions were…

As calm as he words had been, he hadn't quite gotten over his surprise when Suzaku started moving. The burn and friction (and how much worse must it have been for Lelouch?) made Suzaku start off slowly; but they eased as his body adapted and his hips found a comfortable rhythm quite quickly. Lelouch, less instinctual and more analytical than Suzaku; wasn't quite able to catch up, wasn't able to recover from one tight thrust before Suzaku was moving again, over and over, his muscles clenching and fluttering around Lelouch, making Lelouch slowly but surely lose his mind.

He'd screamed when those men had taken him, at first pleading for them to stop, then just screaming because he couldn't not. The only thing that had muffled his cries had been when they'd started sticking their cocks in his mouth as well.

He was quiet for Suzaku.

Gasps and soft moans, hitched breaths and quiet pants. These and Lelouch's wide darting eyes, the way his hands grabbed at the sheets under him, the small movements of his pelvis, seeking Suzaku when Suzaku lifted himself up… these were the only signs Suzaku could use to read what Lelouch liked and what he _liked_.

But Suzaku knew Lelouch. And he was good at this. And he wasn't even close to tired.

By the time the feel of Lelouch inside him stopped feeling okay and started actually feeling good, Suzaku found that this position, as intimately connected as he was to Lelouch, was almost lonely. They weren't kissing or even really touching and, while he could see Lelouch's face, it seemed far away. Certain he was pleasing Lelouch and just as certain of his own pleasure, Suzaku took a risk and shifted his position, altering his rhythm and bending over to capture Lelouch's lips with his own.

The shift sent a shock through him, making him tense and moan with the sudden electric pleasure. Lelouch gasped and clutched at him, whispering Suzaku's name against his lips and sounding awed with an undercurrent of… concern?

Suzaku chuckled, making them both moan. The _last_ thing Lelouch needed to be was worried for him. "You feel amazing." He assured him, rocking against him and kissing him again, moaning when that spot was hit again and speeding up as he felt himself getting closer and closer to orgasm. "Lelouch…"

Lelouch muffled his cry against Suzaku's shoulder as he came, the sensation pushing Suzaku over the edge as well. They were close enough that both their chests and abdomens were covered by Suzaku, even as Lelouch's semen seeped out of Suzaku's ass, trailing down his thighs to pool on Lelouch's. Suzaku collapsed, overcome with the afterglow and the warm feeling of satisfaction as Lelouch's arms fell nerveless and limp to the bed.

"Not bad, huh?" Suzaku asked, pleased with himself.

Lelouch shook his head faintly. "Why did you… Suzaku, I… thank you."

Suzaku kissed the closest bit of skin he could find. "It's not all nightmare fuel, Lelouch. It can be amazing and bring people closer together, if it's done with love." That message had been his original intent, lost somewhat in the desire to just… well, have sex with Lelouch.

"Was this?" Lelouch asked tentatively. "Done with love I mean? Are we closer now?"

"…I think we are," Suzaku half-answered. "Don't you?"

"Yeah," Lelouch agreed sleepily. He snorted a little in amusement. "I didn't think I'd be able to get to sleep tonight. Now I don't think I can keep my eyes open." He looked at Suzaku, eyes filled with uncertainty. "Stay with me?"

He looked so vulnerable. One night, clearly, would not be enough to erase this memory. "Of course," Suzaku answered immediately. "Just let me get something to clean us up with."

As he lifted himself off Lelouch, he heard Lelouch say something. Something that was quiet enough that Suzaku wasn't sure he'd been meant to hear it. He swallowed and busied himself with searching for tissues, only answering when he heard the sound of Lelouch's deep breathing as he fell asleep.

"I love you too."


End file.
